I Erstwhile Churchie (heretofore referred to as "Lackey"), do hereby swear to abide by the terms of the Lackey Binder, should cousin Pim come upon certain fortune and fame and be in need of deliberate slacking and hangers on of the best sort.

Be it known that the following itemization of requirements shall be in full effect from the date signed and any amendments made forthwith shall only be discussed or implemented under the influence of no less than THREE illicit substances and whilst visiting the fartherst flung foreign nation agreed upon by both parties.

Item 1:
Lackey shall maintain a demeanor of sycophantic zeal at all times whilst in the presence of cousin Pim.

Item 2:
Lackey shall maintiain a blood/alcohol level at least one point above the legal limit imposed by the current state occupied at all times unless otherwise specified by Pim in writing.

Item 3:
Lackey shall spend no less than 300 US dollars (or foreign equivalent) on any one meal or refreshment tab, unless of course Pim becomes vomitous or has otherwise unfavorable reactions to massive consumption before said limit is reached.

Item 4:
Lackey shall spend no less than 12 hours per business week stumbling around in the nude with nothing but a full length cruelty-free mink coat for apparel. Weekends require at least 5 hours of Coat-time, however the coat may be deemed "optional" should the situation become perilous for the coat.

Item 5:
Lackey shall not consume, purchase, nor even contemplate the aquisition of, the suger-free jello, ever.

Item 6:
Lackey shall complete at least one stupidly extravagant purchase per week without Pims consent, including but not limited to; collectors automobiles, Greek yachts, diamond jewelry for her pet snail, beachfront hotels, gold plated bondage gear, rugs bought in Brooklyn and then shipped to Asia and back in order to call them "Asian", platinum dental veneers that say "I am a Road Jojo" or "Word to ya Mutha" on them, Jesus candles that cost more than a candy bar or small nations in any certain civil peril.

Item 7:
Lackey shall hurl herself in front of anyone attempting to photograph Pim or otherwise capture her likeness, with reckless abandon so as to incite injury or death upon the individual attempting to capture said media. Failure to incur massive lawsuits or incite outrageous civil settlement demands will result in a heavy fine and a restriction on pedi/mani services for no less than one month.

Where is it written that everyone in your family besides you is allowed to completely depart from their senses during the holidays? Is there a text, hidden in some far flung locale inside a dark cave, just waiting to be discovered, that outlines the rules for Blatant Jackassery during festive occasions?

Dateline December 25th 2005, Long Prong Province, CHINA

Two mentally impaired goat herders came across a small opening in the rock near their pasture lands yesterday and discovered what appear to be 30 ancient scrolls that describe the reasoning behind Holiday Insanity and what can be done to curtail the madness....DEVELOPING STORY

I am welcoming myself to LiveJournal. I am also welcoming myself on behalf of Churchie, who forced me to create a LiveJournal. Welcome!